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(Taken from local newspapers, Cleveland, OH 2040)

‘Local authorities have no idea where to even start with last night’s mayhem. According to a few residents in the area, the shooting commenced at around 10:46 PM, and continued for a solid seven minutes. No one was entirely sure what led to the violence in Roebeth’s Gun & Tackle, but what the Cleveland City Police found was beyond description.

    “We’ve never seen anything quite like this,” Police Chief Allen Berstein said. “It was just death and carnage — everywhere you looked.”

The official police reports haven’t been released to the public as of the printing of this article, but several key investigators on the scene stated that the dead numbered in the dozens. Who or what was responsible for such an act?

    “We only had two eyewitnesses,” Berstein said. “They both gave us a similar description of the suspect: White male, early 20’s, shaved head except for a mowhawk, and a pair of robotic legs. Yes, that’s right — robotic legs.”

One of the witnesses, who wished to remain nameless, told this reporter that the suspect questioned the owner for a few minutes before opening fire directly into his chest with a sawed-off 12-gague shotgun.

    “Poor Bernie was blown clean off of the floor,” the witness said. “He didn’t stand a prayer. None of them did.”

The witness to the bloodbath went on to describe a blinding gunfight with what seemed to be a cyborg.

    “The killer pulled two .45’s out of the sides of his bionic thighs, man,” the witness stated. “His thighs! It was like something out of a nightmare.”

Also taken from this life in the  carnage were three members of the state’s Amish Community, all of which had been suspected of being in cahoots with its local mafia.

    “Yeah, we knew about them and their interest in Bernie,” the nameless person said. “Why this guy wanted anything to do with these three — I don’t know.”

The other eyewitness refused to comment. They were still in a state of shock when the person turned theirself in for petty crimes unrelated to this shooting.’

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